Farmer Bob

I’m back. I’ve been busy at the Toastmasters honing my debate rhetoric — it’s time-consuming, but I’m getting really good at raising every argument to an apocalyptic conclusion in which society breaks down and the Statue of Liberty is destroyed. Plus, I’ve had my hands full since late November working on a network development deal. What with the writers strike, the networks are extremely receptive to pitches from scab writers, although they can’t publicly admit it. Since they can’t use union writers for next fall’s shows, the networks are buying up scripts from BBC series and shooting them with American casts.

I pitched an original show, but to get it past the unions, we had to pretend it was actually purchased from the BBC. The first step in Anglicization was renaming the main character Nigel. Then we changed the title to emulate the hallowed British art of the pun. It’s called Daye by Day — it’s a behind-the-scenes workplace comedy about a late-night chat show host named Nigel Daye. The whole cast would wear deerstalker caps and powdered wigs.

Unfortunately, the union got wind of it, and shut us down in what can only be described as the overture to a complete labor-based societal holocaust in which world markets collapse, as embodied by the headless statue of liberty:

Also, her head is over here:

If I have one retrospective disappointment about 2007, it’s that the impending fascist police state Alternet keeps predicting never blossomed from the nascent level of ambient DHS subharmonics into a full-blown Castle Wolfenstein scenario like the one they used to have in Germany — that was back before our grandparents Pearl Harbored Hitler’s army of robotic clones with Minuteman missiles. Although, according to Alternet, it’s already happened, and we’re sliding down a slippery slope to some pretty grim news for the Statue of Liberty:

But the last time I checked, David Cross was still walking around free as a bird, acting in inexplicably shitty movies. Much like the way Australian parents usher their children ahead of them into jellyfish-infested coastal waters to make sure everything’s clear, David Cross serves an important “canary in the garbage disposal” function for the rest of us angry liberals — when they finally lock up David Cross, you’ll know the Fascist Apocalypse has begun, and something really bad will happen to the Statue of Liberty. As a vivid illustration of the coming era of Fascist despotism, here’s the Statue of Liberty buried in snow:

So on top of all that, my coworkers at Check ‘n’ Go warned me throughout December how quickly business would drop off after the holidays. But did I listen? Also, did I listen to the Lunch ‘n’ Learn speakers they brought in to discuss federal regulations governing predatory lending? No and no. My budget shortfall this month has forced me to drum up new business. I’ve been using MySpace to target teenagers with payday loan solicitations. Schools don’t teach kids about money or the magic of compound interest, which makes my job easier. Plus the kids still have healthy pink credit ratings. My basic pitch is that sub-prime borrowing will make you “look cool and adult,” along with some admittedly manipulative Statue of Liberty-based fear tactics.

The National Association of Payday Lenders reminds you to use payday advances responsibly.

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