Farmer Bob

I’m Chris. I live in a large Midwestern state whose fertile land is enriched with a blend of motrine and atrazine in a tank mix. But sometimes I travel to Lawrence, Kansas to take in the big-city sights! I like to ride the train, because the plane is too expensive. And also because I have irritable bowel syndrome which is exacerbated by the mandatory body cavity searches they administer before they let you park at the airport parking garage. Here’s a picture of the train I rode to Lawrence. When I first boarded, the car was full, but because of my spastic colon, most of the other passengers decided to sit somewhere else. And even these two guys told me to keep my distance.

And here’s the Lawrence train station. They have a giant flat-screen TV! I felt like I was in Tokyo! The TV was playing an infomercial about bladder control problems older dudes sometimes have. This made me feel like I was among friends, what with my own frequent, urgent sprints for the men’s room. The older dude on the screen is saying, “If you sometimes wet yourself, you are not alone. Millions of adults have bladder control problems. Sometimes weakened bladder muscles cause urine to leak out when you cough, laugh, sneeze, or do certain activities.” Whenever anybody talks about going to bathroom, I get an involuntary sympathetic bladder response and sometimes wet myself. So I made a run for the men’s room.

Back in 2008, Michelle Malkin reported seeing a group of brown-colored men walk into a men’s room at the airport. So now they have security check-points outside all public restrooms at transportation hubs. The guard’s detector wand kept beeping around my groin, and he said, “Sir, are you wearing a cock ring?” And I explained that actually, I was wearing a cock bracelet, which has my MedAlert info on it, so the paramedics would know about my penicillin allergy. That’s in addition to being sexy! ;)

Finally, the guard escorted me to what I thought was the men’s room, only it wasn’t. They made me sit in this chair, and I don’t want to talk about the next thirty minutes, but the joke’s on them — those molars were totally super-temperature sensitive and hurt when I ate ice cream, so I never used them anyway! Ha ha! Also, I wet myself.

And here’s downtown Lawrence, Kansas. You can see why they call it “little eastern Europe!” The black tower in the distance is KU, home of the Jayhawks! I knew I’d have to take in a Jayhawks game before I left, but I was going to have to find a ticket scalper. While I was taking this picture, the older dude on the video screen was saying, “Bladder exercises help make the muscles around the bladder strong so you can hold your urine in your bladder longer. They are easy to do — tighten and relax the muscles that you use to stop yourself from urinating.” So I did, right there, until…

… a guard came up and asked me what I was doing. And I was too embarrassed to tell him I was clenching my bladder muscles. So I blurted out that I was doing Kegel exercises to increase my pleasure pathways! That’s the last thing I remember from my first day.

The next day, I went to the stadium and found these ticket scalpers in the parking garage. They seemed really paranoid. “Do you have any tickets to sell?” I asked.

“Maybe we do, and maybe we don’t. How much money you got?”

I said I had twenty dollars in my wallet, and four hundred dollars in my my socks so that if I got mugged, they wouldn’t get my whole bankroll. Unless they took my socks, too.

“Well, I got a ticket that costs four-hundred dollars,” he said.

“Uh — plus the service fee,” said his friend.

“Right, right. And a twenty-dollar service fee.”

At that point, the police showed up and arrested everybody, and I ended up spending the night in a cell with a man who got caught telling children at the bus station that he was Santa Claus. I didn’t think he looked like Santa Claus, but before I could bring that up, the guard said my court-appointed lawyer was here.

“You were trying to buy Jayhawks tickets from a scalper?” he asked.

“Yeah! And they wanted all of the money I had! Four-hundred and twenty dollars!”

My lawyer said that by an amazing coincidence, that was exactly how much it would cost to pay the fine, and he took my money to “give it to the judge.” I didn’t see him again, but the guards did put a sack over my head and dump me out at the edge of town, so I guess everything came out all right. “Just keep on moving, hippie,” they said.

“I have been purchasing Tranquility™ Adult Briefs for several years now. Over 20 years of using diapers, I found these to be the best I have used. They hold the wetness away from my body, have far less leakage, and hold more liquid than other brands. I will always need diapers and I will continue to use Tranquility™ briefs so I can rest assured — and dry!”

Written a long time ago and published elsewhere.

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