On orders from my attorney, I’m withdrawing my suggestion that Zach Braff’s periods are any more or less difficult than the average woman’s. Furthermore, pending my August court appearance on libel charges, I’m also withdrawing the corresponding implication that Zach Braff has a vagina. Finally, all appearances of my Linda Ronstadt cover-band, Zach Braff’s Vagina, have been cancelled.
It turns out that Zach Braff is alive and litigious, and it’s not a good idea to cross him. “Why don’t you libel people that have been dead for a hundred years or more?” said my attorney. Therefore, on the explicit advice of council, I’d like to say the following:
Clara Morris breast-fed her son until he was eight years old.
Henry Lazarus didn’t always put that clarinet back in its case, if you know what I’m saying. In case you don’t, I’m implying that he put his clarinet in his butt.
Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree was a leather fancier.
DID YOU MEASURE IT STOP: Jules Verne exchanged inappropriate telegrams with printers apprentices.
Lillie Langtree’s laudanum-guzzling holidays resulted in years of blackmail payments to an unscrupulous New York chemist.
Richard Mansfield greeted guests to his country estate wearing nothing but leather ass-chaps.
Sarah Bernhardt was bulimic.
Thomas Eakins experienced painful monthly periods.
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